Conflicts among couples are natural
Conflicts among couples are natural,common & universal. Differences in opinion are bound to arise between couples. These unresolved differences are the common cause of conflicts. But conflicts should not be allowed to negatively impact a relationship. Healthy Relationship between couples is not defined by absence of conflicts. It is better defined by the ability to handle conflicts. Here is the fight guide for couples- how to fight & resolve conflicts – Lovably
Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus
Men & Women are so very different as if they belong to different planets, metaphorically.Men handle Problems, stress, Romance differently than women. For example, When stressed, men prefer to remain silent but women prefer to talk. Men are quick fixers whereas women like to nurture gradually. Their emotional needs are also different. At their core, men desire Space, Respect, Trust & Encouragement . Women , at their core, desire Commitment, Care, Communication and Appreciation. Men & Women are opposite. Opposites attract. And opposites cause conflicts too
Why Conflicts arise between Couple
When a Man & Woman decide to live together as a couple, the relationship becomes complex, because of the following factors :
- As it is, Men are different from Women, Emotionally, Mentally & Physically.
- The partners are from different backgrounds – Family, culture, Custom, Education, Finance…
- Romantic relationship, by nature, is highly sensitive
- Its a life long commitment of living together , 24 x 7, 365 days a year…for ever
In the initial years, the couple tend to show & see only the best in each other. This is the Romantic stage of relationship. Couple feels on a “high”- under the influence of dopamine rush. But this phase can not and does not last for ever. Romantic feelings begin to fade. Dopamine is gradually replaced by Cortisol. The couple begins to see the not so good in each other. Differences & dislikes become points of discussion. Their views collide .Conflicts arise when discussions frequently turn into fierce arguments.
Genesis of Conflicts
The Single most important cause of conflict between couples is lack of effective communication.Meaningful communication is must in several aspects of married life such as
- Personal & Mutual Goals in Life
- Household Chores
- Finances
- Family & Handling In laws
- Mutual Power balancing
- Physical & emotional intimacy
How to resolve conflicts
Conflicts must be resolved timely, Lovably & amicably. Unresolved conflicts may lead to emotional distance and even break up. Key to resolving conflicts is Effective communication & the Ability to handle disagreements. Issues should be discussed in a spirit of empathy & understanding. Efforts should be made to find a common ground. Communicate openly but softly. Remember, Marriage is about commitment, not competition between Husband & wife.
Do's and Don'ts in the event of a conflict
There are certain Do’s and Don’ts which should be followed before, during & after a conflict. These go a long way in effective resolution of conflicts without hurting each other long time
- Deep Breathing : Start with a few deep breaths and keep taking deep breaths in between. It will keep fiery emotions under check
- Discuss, Don’t Argue : Discuss to find a solution, not to prove yourself right.Don’t adopt ” I know more than you” attitude.
- Listen with emapthy : Listen & try to understand what your partner means to say. Listen to understand, not to respond. Don’t interrupt. Let him/her finish before you respond
- Look for non verbal cues : 93% of our communication is non verbal.Pay attention to Tone & body language ( Gestures, Eye contact, facial expressions) of your partner.Try to understand their feelings & emotions.
- Talk,dont shout : Talk about differences. Don’t shout.When we shout, the listener’s mind tends to focus on tone & pitch of voice. The content is lost.
- Discuss Issue,not person : Discuss the issue at hand. Don’t get personal. Don’t criticise. Don’t accuse. For instance, don’t begin with “You are such a ****”. Instead, begin with ” I did not like it when you *****”. Accusations & criticism will put your partner in defensive mode. They will begin to defend themselves and your point will be lost.
- Pause when things get fiery : When discussions turn into fierce arguments and exchange becomes progressively heated, it is time to take a pause. When either of the partners has tight jaws & muscles, red eyes & face, racing heart , shouting & screaming, the other partner should immediately pause and leave the scene by saying ” let us discuss it later”
- Be specific,reasonable & Logical : Clearly express your view & feelings with reasons why you feel so . Give examples, where possible.
- Keep an open mind : Be ready to hear, understand & accept differing views. Agree to disagree with respect. Remember, its not always about Right or Wrong. Many times, Its just about having a different view.
- Negotiate & Compromise : Don’t be rigid. Try to find a common ground. Look for meeting Half way.
- Set,Define & respect Boundries : Divide Responsibilities & share Power . Mutually set & define boundries. Clearly define each other’s jurisdiction. Follow the 50-50 Principle in dividing jurisdictions .In extreme cases of total disagreements, let the final decision be taken by the partner in charge of the relevant jurisdiction The decision taking partner should also take responsibility for adverse consequences, if any.
- Give each other space : Partners should respect each other’s personal space. Don’t impose your decisions on matters that are entirely personal . For example, what they like to eat or what they wear. Give your suggestion but let them take final decision.
- Specify & Accept Non Negotiables : Specify your non negotiables. Accept & respect each other’s non negotiables.
- Difficult Conversations : When an issue is perceived to be difficult to discuss, don’t initiate discussion right away. Ask your partner ” Dear, I need to discuss some thing important. Tell me when & where can we discuss it” Give them time to think over it and formulate their response. It will also prepare them mentally for the difficult conversation.
- End with an apology : Take responsibility for your share of conflict, admit your fault & apologise. Of course, Its hard to do so in emotional state of Anger,Resentment & Hurt . But its worth it. Do it even if you have to play act. It works. It will soothe your partner. A gentle pat on your partner’s arm or back will cool him/her further.
- Seek mediator’s help : When a compromise seems not in sight on an important issue, it is advisable to seek help from a counsellor or mediator who is objective, neutral & knowledgeable. A good mediator can present the issue in an entirely different perspective acceptable to both the partners.
Importance of Communication in conflict resolution
Marriage can not be sustained on Romance only. Both partners need to work continuously to make a marriage work. Regular & effective communication is the key to a successful marriage.
Both partners should be aware of each other’s needs & expectations with regard to different areas of marriage such as Family, Finances , Personal & mutual goals, House hold chores , Intimacy etc. Needs & expectations keep changing over a period of time.
Regular communication between couples keeps them aware of each other’s changing needs & expectations .This awareness helps in smoother resolution of conflicts. Resentments do not pile up and bonding between couples becomes stronger.
Conclusion
No two persons can think alike on all issues. When such two persons happen to live together 24 x 7, 365 days a year & life long as a couple, the differences become too many & often difficult to handle. It requires a lot of work on part of both partners to sail through the sea of differences.
Their views may collide, but Husband & wife should not.
The key is in effective communication . Both partners must understand each other’s communication style & Love language.
Do you know, According to Dr Gary Chapman ,Phd , there are 5 primary Love languages through which couples express love. Every person has his / her unique love language out of these 5 :
- Words of Affirmations
- Acts of Service
- Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Find out what is your love language & that of your partner’s. Communicate in your partner’s love language.
Differences can be resolved and/or narrowed down with Empathy, Understanding & willingness to find common ground. Follow the Dos & Don’ts discussed above before,during & after a conflict.
If you are wondering how to adopt the mindset of Dos & Don’ts discussed above, try the following :
- Meditate Regularly : Meditation helps in clear thinking, improves empathy & self control
- Affirmation : Practice this ( or this kind of) affirmation daily “Today I will not escalate any conflict with my wife/Husband. I will be empathetic to her/his feelings & emotions. I will try to find a common ground & meet half way”
- Deep Breathing : Deep breathing before & during a conflict keeps you calm & controlled.
Husband & wife should fight like Tom & Jerry. They tease , knock down , irritate each other but can’t live without each other.
